No, this post isn’t about the Rapunzel movie of the same name. The title refers to me, how I am at the moment. Tangled.
I’ll apologise now because this is going to be a long wordy post. You don’t have to read it, I just need to get it out of my head 
I’ve been pretty absent from the web-world for a while just because I’ve had so much going on in my head that it’s been pretty much impossible to come up with a blog post or comments to other people’s posts. Then I decided ‘hey, I can kill two birds with one stone, get this shit out of my head and have a blog post’. Perfect!
So, here’s the story.
I have been with my current boyfriend for 4.5 years and have lived with him for most of that time. For the last, say, 18 months I’ve been feeling like I need to spend some time living on my own. I’ve spent my whole life since I was 12 having to be responsible for other people and I really think I need some time to just figure out who I am and do my own thing, without having to be responsible for anyone but myself.
Last Tuesday I told Dave (my bf) this and he went into ‘save the relationship’ mode, he told me he loves me and that he’ll change and do anything to make it work, can I just give it another chance.
This is where I start getting seriously tangled, so i’m just going to put all my thoughts out here in an effort to get a little untangled.
First, here’s a breakdown of what our relationship is like. When I first met Dave it was great, of course, we spent plenty of time together, went for drives, worked together on the house, shared the bills etc. Gradually I have taken on more of the bills and housework etc. due to Dave having debt from before he met me and that he tends to do extra work outside of his day job, that’s fine, I get it.
But it has now gotten to the point that I am paying everything except for half of the rent, that’s all the bills, half the rent, and our food, I do all the cooking and housework, I even mow the lawns and put the bins out…basically i’d might as well be living on my own but I have another person to support as well. Oh, and while he can’t contribute to food or bills he has enough money for beer and cigarettes because he needs these to de-stress and relax. Whenever i’ve tried to talk to him about these things in the past he just gets upset and says that i’m making him feel like shit. We also never spend any quality time together, whenever i’ve tried to organise things for us to do, drives, archery, dinner he’s always busy with the extra jobs that he takes on.
Now i’m questioning if I tried hard enough to make it work or am I just giving up? I feel like i’ve tried to tell him that I wasn’t happy and things need to change, my mum has also told him this, and he did say he wasn’t surprised at my saying I wanted time alone. Surely that means i’m not just throwing away the relationship right? I have tried haven’t I?
Am I just being selfish?
And why is he only now saying he’ll change etc. Why didn’t he do this 6 months ago when he was told to get his act together or he’d lose me?
Shouldn’t he be wanting to make these changes without the threat of me leaving? Shouldn’t he want to help me out around the house and spend time with me instead of it being something he has to work at? It’s not like I really expect much.
Is this an unreal expectation?
He obviously has his own problems that need to be sorted out as well. His reliance on cigarettes and alcohol, the fact that he doesn’t really seem to like himself, taking some responsibility for his life instead of just thinking the world is against him. Is it wrong for me to leave him to figure this stuff out on his own or should I be trying to help him?
So, this is my tangle at the moment. I have no idea how some people seem to do this sort of thing so easily. Maybe it comes with age or practice.
I’ll try and keep you all updated on what’s happening and how my untangling goes.
Judy, Judy, Judy
Kris –
Every situation is different. At this point it seems to me like you should do whatever you want to do. You have indeed tried. You owe him nothing and you don’t need to feel selfish.
People don’t change unless they themselves see the need to and even then it’s hard. Think how hard it is for you to make changes you want to make.
To speak in country speak – you didn’t take him to raise and he wouldn’t let you raise him even if you had.
I want to be supportive whatever you decide. I hope you don’t make a decision based on guilt but rather on what will make you happy, whatever that is, but I’m in your corner whatever you do.
Kate M. George
Run, don’t walk, out that door. You’ve done more than your share, and if you told him six months ago things needed to change and they didn’t, well give me a break.
I’m hard line on this. But that’s because of my own situation. Make a break now before you end up supporting his habits for the rest of your life. Sure, he’ll change things for a little while and then in a year from now he’ll be right back to where he is now.
And I have a little more assvice for you! I’m full of it today, and not in a good way. When you are sharing expenses with someone and you start giving more to help them out? That’s a warning sign. I don’t mean the one time, I had to repair my car and I’ll pay you back in two weeks that happens once in a long while.
You shouldn’t find yourself supporting someone elses cig habit.
Sorry, I’m grumpy today. And I think he’s been taking advantage of you.
lunarmom
I’m on the side of GO, but then I’ve got “leave his fucking sorry ass” on the brain. (We have something similar going on here.)
You are not being selfish you are being overly kind and generous. Have you asked yourself the “yes” or “no” questions?
Will taking care of only me make me happier? If that’s a “yes” then go.
Do I want to continue in this relationship as it is? (Because it’s not gonna change, no matter what he SAYS.) If the answer is “no” then leave.
Do what YOU need. He is a grown up, and can make that same choice for himself.
Julie
Megan Coakley
Hugs. This is a difficult decision. You’ve spent a long time with Dave, so it’s a big change. I’m sure he means it when he says he loves you. What’s not to love? You’re awesome. But love is what you do, not what you say. And that’s why I think you should follow your instinct, and branch out on your own. You deserve the opportunity to explore what makes you happy, what interests you, how you like to spend your time. And Dave needs to figure out his life, too.
No decision is ever final. If you go off on your own and can’t live without him, I’m sure you’ll work it out. But you owe it to yourself to go.
Kim Cz (Sapphire Betty)
I have to agree with Kate. You talked to him months ago and nothing changed. As much as he says he will and as much as you would like him to, it’s unlikely that he will.
My opinion and ‘assvice’ comes from my own experience years ago. Like you, we started out doing everything 50/50; working, taking care of the house, paying bills and the rest of that responsible stuff. Just like you, I suddenly looked around and realized I was doing everything and paying for everything, but half the rent. I was miserable and he couldn’t understand why, he told me how much he loved me and all of that. It wasn’t surprising though, to steal Megan’s line, ‘What’s not to love?’. He was all set with me doing everything and paying for everything. I felt so drained, he took and took and never gave anything back. It never occurred to him that he should be taking care of me too.
Here’s the cool part, I am now happily married and I am still amazed at the difference. My husband works, while I am a stay at home mom. He helps around the house and cleans up after himself, better than I do actually. Everyone deserves someone that wants to help them and wants to take care of them.
I think you are on the right path and listening to what you need to do for you. I am wishing you well on the untangling.
Karen (Betty Bear)
Somewhere I read that a relationship, to be a really good long-lasting one, should make both of the people in it better people than they were alone. That is, the act of loving someone and wanting to be with them, makes you act better, towards them and towards you than you otherwise would.
I will say ultimatums can and do work (I’ve used them twice on my DH and we’ve been reasonably happily married for almost 20 years) HOWEVER THE PERSON HAS TO WANT TO DO THE CHANGE. My DH is someone who will happily go along doing whatever he’s been doing forever ( we can him Rut Man, as in he lives happily in his little rut he’s dug himself into) unless something comes and gives him a kick in the pants. If this is not your guy, then the ultimatum won’t really work.
Relationships are rarely black and white, which is why decisions about them are so damned hard. And there may be a part of you that finds contemplating life alone a little scary, as well.
Good luck.
Kate M George (@KateGeorge)
Betty Bear, you are a wise, wise woman.
Karen (Betty Bear)
*blushing*
bhnmt
WEBS. Betties give great advice. I have to admit my first thought after reading your post was “get your butt right out the door,” but I’m not there and I don’t know the history. I suspect if you’ve told him he needs to change and nothing has happened, that any changes he makes under ultimatum will go away as soon as he’s sure you’re staying. If you’re only re-considering out of guilt, then bag the guilt and go. But if you’re reconsidering because he really is someone you want to be with, you might tell him you’re moving out but you’re willing to continue seeing him if he’s serious. And then you can re-assess in six months.
bhnmt
that last line should be, ‘you’re moving out but you’re willing to continue seeing him even though you’re not living together,’ to see if he’s really serious about seeing you, or if he is just afraid to lose his cush-y living arrangement.
deborahblake1
WEBS from me too. I don’t really have anything to add that people haven’t said already, except that I think you need to listen to your inner wisdom. Which is clearly saying, “This isn’t working for me. I deserve better.” And you do.
Any guy (sorry, person) who would be willing to let their significant other shoulder most of the work/cost of the relationship isn’t worth being with. *Opens door and shows you the way*
FGBVs!!!!
Kris
I love you ladies so much. I don’t know how I ever got by before the Betties.
I feel a hundred times better about my decision and i’m going to be printing all your comments to carry with me and re-read any time I start feeling guilty or unsure.
Sapphire Betty- thanks for sharing your story, it always helps to know that someone has been through the same thing and found it was the right thing to do.
Betty Bear- I like that quote about a relationship making both people better…it makes sense.
Thanks for all your advice and support guys it really means a lot. Hugs.
londonmabel
Oh I’m late! But really I’m WEBS. And it is NOT easy for anyone! lol Relationships are hard work. But it sounds like you’ve already been working hard on yours’. And if it helps–consider the possibility that you’ve been enabling him. In which case leaving will be better for him too.
My husband and I are going through a rough time because of a crisis he’s going through (stemming from childhood abuse.) But he’s working on it (therapy etc) and I’m working on it, and I know for sure that I love him with all my heart. So I’m not at the *time to release* stage. But just based on this one entry you wrote… it sounds like you’ve done your best, and he hasn’t. So it’s time to let go, for both of you. Hugs and best wishes!!