No, this post isn’t about the Rapunzel movie of the same name. The title refers to me, how I am at the moment. Tangled.
I’ll apologise now because this is going to be a long wordy post. You don’t have to read it, I just need to get it out of my head 🙂
I’ve been pretty absent from the web-world for a while just because I’ve had so much going on in my head that it’s been pretty much impossible to come up with a blog post or comments to other people’s posts. Then I decided ‘hey, I can kill two birds with one stone, get this shit out of my head and have a blog post’. Perfect!
So, here’s the story.
I have been with my current boyfriend for 4.5 years and have lived with him for most of that time. For the last, say, 18 months I’ve been feeling like I need to spend some time living on my own. I’ve spent my whole life since I was 12 having to be responsible for other people and I really think I need some time to just figure out who I am and do my own thing, without having to be responsible for anyone but myself.
Last Tuesday I told Dave (my bf) this and he went into ‘save the relationship’ mode, he told me he loves me and that he’ll change and do anything to make it work, can I just give it another chance.
This is where I start getting seriously tangled, so i’m just going to put all my thoughts out here in an effort to get a little untangled.
First, here’s a breakdown of what our relationship is like. When I first met Dave it was great, of course, we spent plenty of time together, went for drives, worked together on the house, shared the bills etc. Gradually I have taken on more of the bills and housework etc. due to Dave having debt from before he met me and that he tends to do extra work outside of his day job, that’s fine, I get it.
But it has now gotten to the point that I am paying everything except for half of the rent, that’s all the bills, half the rent, and our food, I do all the cooking and housework, I even mow the lawns and put the bins out…basically i’d might as well be living on my own but I have another person to support as well. Oh, and while he can’t contribute to food or bills he has enough money for beer and cigarettes because he needs these to de-stress and relax. Whenever i’ve tried to talk to him about these things in the past he just gets upset and says that i’m making him feel like shit. We also never spend any quality time together, whenever i’ve tried to organise things for us to do, drives, archery, dinner he’s always busy with the extra jobs that he takes on.
Now i’m questioning if I tried hard enough to make it work or am I just giving up? I feel like i’ve tried to tell him that I wasn’t happy and things need to change, my mum has also told him this, and he did say he wasn’t surprised at my saying I wanted time alone. Surely that means i’m not just throwing away the relationship right? I have tried haven’t I?
Am I just being selfish?
And why is he only now saying he’ll change etc. Why didn’t he do this 6 months ago when he was told to get his act together or he’d lose me?
Shouldn’t he be wanting to make these changes without the threat of me leaving? Shouldn’t he want to help me out around the house and spend time with me instead of it being something he has to work at? It’s not like I really expect much.
Is this an unreal expectation?
He obviously has his own problems that need to be sorted out as well. His reliance on cigarettes and alcohol, the fact that he doesn’t really seem to like himself, taking some responsibility for his life instead of just thinking the world is against him. Is it wrong for me to leave him to figure this stuff out on his own or should I be trying to help him?
So, this is my tangle at the moment. I have no idea how some people seem to do this sort of thing so easily. Maybe it comes with age or practice.
I’ll try and keep you all updated on what’s happening and how my untangling goes.